The unspoken- postpartum depression/anxiety

After my c-section with Calvin and bringing him home, I was overjoyed that he was healthy and we were finally growing our family. I was lucky that he didn't have any big issues feeding or latching. My husband took about 1.5 weeks off of work and we were feeling pretty good about things. I was recovering well from my surgery and I was able to be out and moving slowly.

But it was just a few weeks being home alone with nobody to talk to that things took a turn. My emotions and hormones were all over the place. I was on a weight restriction because of my incision healing and he was pretty much reaching it. I couldn't leave the house without my husband because I wasn't able to pick Calvin up in a carseat. The days went on and my baby boy wasn't sleeping, he was fussy and colicky and he wouldn't let me put him down. I started getting envious of my husband for being able to leave in the morning to work. I started seeing that as a luxury or a break away from home. I felt like a terrible mother for thinking that. I felt terrible for wanting to leave. I would look in the mirror and not recognize who I was anymore. 

It felt like a cloud was over me and I didn't know what to do

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I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to believe it. My husband would try to do anything to cheer me up or give me a break but I would just shut down. My postpartum rage was at it's highest peak at this point. I missed talking to people... to real adults. I kept wondering if staying home for the year was a good idea and if I was the best fit to care for my own baby. My body started shutting down after several nights of no sleep. I started getting sick and this just made things worse. 

My husband started praying over me and our family

He continued to do what he can around the house and help with our son. He picked up my slack and never complained. He would prep a bottle and feed Calvin to give me a break from feeding him. He wiped away my tears and affirmed that I was doing a great job despite the fact of a crying baby. 

A friend of mine started checking in on me and keeping me company through voice text messages throughout the day. She would send me words of affirmation. She probably had no idea how much her words helped get me through some darkest days. When she worked from home, she came to visit or help get me out of the house more often. She still does this today!

I also never thought I would find some great friends online. I connected with some amazing mamas through Instagram who supported each other. 

Is my postpartum depression/anxiety completely gone? Nope. I still deal with it on a daily basis. But I now have some resources to help cope with it. I am still in the process of finding a professional to talk to.
​If you're struggling with this as well, here's what I have to say. 

You are enough

Your feelings and thoughts are valid. You are everything your baby needs and more. You're doing more than you think. 

Healthiest_Baby

• Find your tribe and connect with them honestly
• Open up and become vulnerable
• Don't be afraid to ask for help or ask for a break
• Go for a quick walk and get outside 
• Get out of the house and go anywhere- even if it means taking a stroll to Target
  
• Remember your feelings are real, raw and ok to have