After my c-section with Calvin and bringing him home, I was overjoyed that he was healthy and we were finally growing our family. I was lucky that he didn't have any big issues feeding or latching. My husband took about 1.5 weeks off of work and we were feeling pretty good about things. I was recovering well from my surgery and I was able to be out and moving slowly.
But it was just a few weeks being home alone with nobody to talk to that things took a turn. My emotions and hormones were all over the place. I was on a weight restriction because of my incision healing and he was pretty much reaching it. I couldn't leave the house without my husband because I wasn't able to pick Calvin up in a carseat. The days went on and my baby boy wasn't sleeping, he was fussy and colicky and he wouldn't let me put him down. I started getting envious of my husband for being able to leave in the morning to work. I started seeing that as a luxury or a break away from home. I felt like a terrible mother for thinking that. I felt terrible for wanting to leave. I would look in the mirror and not recognize who I was anymore.
It felt like a cloud was over me and I didn't know what to do
My husband started praying over me and our family
He continued to do what he can around the house and help with our son. He picked up my slack and never complained. He would prep a bottle and feed Calvin to give me a break from feeding him. He wiped away my tears and affirmed that I was doing a great job despite the fact of a crying baby.
A friend of mine started checking in on me and keeping me company through voice text messages throughout the day. She would send me words of affirmation. She probably had no idea how much her words helped get me through some darkest days. When she worked from home, she came to visit or help get me out of the house more often. She still does this today!
I also never thought I would find some great friends online. I connected with some amazing mamas through Instagram who supported each other.
Is my postpartum depression/anxiety completely gone? Nope. I still deal with it on a daily basis. But I now have some resources to help cope with it. I am still in the process of finding a professional to talk to.
If you're struggling with this as well, here's what I have to say.
You are enough
Your feelings and thoughts are valid. You are everything your baby needs and more. You're doing more than you think.